It is my deepest pleasure to report the satisfactory conclusion of Phase One of Operation
When you came to me last summer and gave me the goal of publicly humiliating a purveyor of Apple rumors within a year, there were those both within and outside of our department who said such a feat couldn’t be accomplished—and, moreover, shouldn’t. That Apple should not lower itself to combatting those mongers of mistruths, those spoilers of surprise and delight.
But I could tell from the glint in your bespectacled eyes that you were serious about this endeavor, and so it has been my singular mission for the past nine months, seven days, one hour, and fifty-seven minutes to carry out your desires to the fullest extent possible.
I know there are those who believe that you, especially, are a kind-hearted soul who remains above the fray of the petty Apple rumors and product leaks.…